The Hardest Part is... Saying Goodbye!

It was almost midnight but I could not settle, despite my exhaustion, I was tossing and turning. A thousand thoughts and memories were racing through my mind and it was really starting to hit me that this was it, in just a few short days my time in Nam Dinh will have come to an end. I sat up for a bit, dismissing for the moment the thought that in a few short hours I had to teach and took several deep breaths. As I sat in silent recollection I reflected on my very first week at Le Hong Phong high school and couldn’t help but smile. I remember nervously walking out at Monday morning assembly to talk to the students for the first time and being greeted by cheers from 1500 students. I remember teaching my very first lessons with classes I have now come to love so much and being greeted by endlessly smiling faces and what seemed like a million questions about who I was and where I come from. It seems like only yesterday that I arrived, a few weeks and most. As I walked out at that first assembly I could hardly have fathomed the remarkable impact that this school and these students would have on my life in the months that would follow and now I am looking back at all the experiences, the laughs I’ve had and the wonderful people I have met and the challenges I have faces and I know that this time will always hold such a special place in my heart. And now only one challenge remains and it is by far the hardest one of all; it is finally time to say goodbye.

When I woke up this morning I did not realise the emotional rollercoaster I would endure over the next twelve hours (and the days to follow I’m sure). My morning was a whirlwind of games and goodbyes as I taught one of my English Major classes and several maths and science classes for the very last time. As I spent time with each class talking and playing games the excitement was contagious and I felt a sense of revelry as I did my best to enjoy these moments, planting them in my memory where I can fondly look back on them in years to come. At the end of each period the drum would sound and my heart would sink just a little. Students enthusiastically clamoured in for photos, serenaded me with Christmas carols and presented me with beautiful gifts, cards and flowers and as I finally left the room shouts of “we love you” and “we will miss you” echoed down the halls behind me and a smiled and waved and felt a slight lump in my throat and so smiled even more for fear that otherwise I might start crying. The whole experience felt somewhat surreal and was laced with both a sense of sadness and joy and I found myself hoping each moment could last just a little bit longer.

At the end of each lesson, in between the sadness and the excitement I find myself also feeling a sense of achievement. This experience and my time in Vietnam have represented the most challenging thing I have done in the three years since I graduated from high school. I think about the students I am leaving behind and I wonder what if any impact I have had on their lives by coming here. Have I challenged students enough to think in new ways? Have I successfully broadened their horizons? Have I had a tangible effect in helping them improve their English skills? There have been days where I being up the front of the classroom has felt amazing, but there has also been days over the past few months when I have felt as though I achieved very little and doubted my ability to succeed. But now I have come to realise is that I have been measuring success all wrong. I hope that I have helped the students improve their English and will probably often wonder where they have ended up down the road but in reality that is not the most important part of this experience. As I recall my fondest moments in the classroom such as hysterical laughter filling the room during role plays and the eagerness of students cheering so loud during games that other teachers come in to check that everything is okay, and as I look back at all the pictures I have of my time in the classroom I realise that one thing is consistent; the smiles are endless. They say a picture is worth a thousand words but a smile is worth even more and forty or more all at once really is the greatest feeling ever! As I stood today watching my students smiling and giggling as we played games I knew that I had succeeded; all the hard days and challenges I have had to overcome feel absolutely worth it simply because my students are still smiling. These students just by being have affected my life and changed my perceptions of the world around me in ways that they could never imagine and I can hardly believe the end of our time together is already here. I said a few weeks ago I was searching for a smile… it seems over the next few days as I teach my final lessons and say my goodbyes I won’t have to look very far (even if occasionally it is in amongst tears). In fact I think I have already found one!

To all my students at LHP thank you for providing such a source of joy and inspiration in my life! Your smiles and enthusiasm will forever leave an imprint on my heart and I will always smile as I recall my time spent teaching you! I Love you all! 

What kind of day it has been...

I am a worrier and a perfectionist; ever since I was a child my default position when things don’t quite go to plan is to panic. I have always been someone who likes to be in control so when things go downhill my stress levels go up! I guess you could say at times I am not exactly brilliant at demonstrating grace under pressure, and yet despite my persistent desire to be in control of my surroundings for some (at times unfathomable) reason I decided that moving to Vietnam, a place that much more often resembles complete chaos than  calm and serenity, would be a good idea.

I remember not six months ago heading off to Sydney alone for an appointment and finding the whole experience of understanding and navigating the transport system in an unfamiliar city somewhat overwhelming. I got flustered deciphering train timetables and sat timidly on buses peering constantly at the nearest street sign to ensure I didn’t miss my stop. I wasn’t a complete mess, but I certainly lacked confidence in my own abilities to handle a new situation and was probably not the most pleasant person to interact with at times during the experience. Looking back on that day and comparing it to the day I have just had was a moment that made me realise one of the ways in which I have really grown in the past three months…

My morning began at about 7am as I dragged myself out of bed on the last day of my week off and packed up my things ready to head to Danang airport. About 9am I arrived at the airport and grabbed some overpriced breakfast before heading to the check in counter for my flight back to Hanoi. Had all gone to plan I would have arrived in Hanoi just after lunchtime and jumped on a train back to Nam Dinh arriving back at the school by dinner time. However what I didn’t realise as I checked my bags was that this was the beginning of a very long day; As I checked my luggage the staff member at the counter informed me that the flight had been delayed until 12.35pm- frustrating? Sure, but not too bad really. I headed inside the terminal and settled down for a longer wait than planned. As the clock drew closer to the revised boarding time however a muffled  announcement came over the loud speaker in broken English informing passengers that the flight was now delayed ‘indefinitely’ due to unspecified ‘technical difficulties’.

Fast forward six hours, a lunch of cold noodles and Pringles and a whole lot of sitting around, and eventually at 6pm the flight was  ready for boarding and soon after we were taxiing down the runway  bound for Hanoi. I thought at this stage in the evening the difficulties were coming to a close but unfortunately my day was not quite over yet.

Once the flight arrived in Hanoi I made my way outside to find the shuttle bus and climbed aboard. The journey itself was uneventfully spent chatting with another traveller but once the bus reached its final destination I realised that the drop off point for this particular bus was south of Hoan Kiem Lake and the hostel where I planned to spend the night was about a four or five kilometre hike north. I headed north alongside a fellow traveller from the UK and using street signs, landmarks, a map and a smattering of conversations using my very poor Vietnamese I was able to confidently and successfully navigate my way to the lake and even give the other traveller directions to his hotel and direct him to sights worth checking out nearby. Once I said goodbye I continued my ‘trek’ to the Hanoi Backpackers Hostel (with almost 15kgs of luggage, the usually pleasant walk grew into something of a challenge). Eventually at 9pm I stumbled into the hostel and unceremoniously dumped my bag on the ground and checked in.

This day was not one that was ridiculously challenging or chaotic and while frustrating and inconvenient nothing went terribly wrong. Looking back at the day though I realised that six months ago a day such as this would have left me a nervous wreck, yet today I was able to remain calm and collected the entire time with not a single moment of panic. As I walked through an unfamiliar part of a foreign city I realised that I possessed a confidence that earlier this year was nowhere to be found. Despite the fact I really had only a vague notion of where I was I was able to calmly assist my companion and navigate my way home. Some of this confidence comes down to tangible skills that I have developed such as reading maps and speaking a foreign language (sort of) but underpinning this is a self-confidence and self-assurance that has slowly emerged as I have immersed myself in a foreign culture and done things I never imagined doing before.

No one completely changes in such a short time as three months yet I know that after this experience I will never quite be the same person I was before. The people I’ve met, the places I’ve been and the experiences I’ve had will forever influence the way I see the world around me and the way I perceive myself in it. When I first arrived in Hanoi in September I couldn’t wait to leave for small town Nam Dinh- the noise and frantic pace and a world of things I could not control left me frazzled and overwhelmed. Now I look forward to my near weekly trips to Hanoi where I can explore and immerse myself in the chaos and enjoy the gems and moments of joy that can be found. As I sat in Danang airport waiting for my flight to leave I glanced up to witness a perfect moment as the sun slipped behind the surrounding mountains painting the sky in vibrant shades of pink and orange and realised that had my flight not been delayed I never would have witnessed such a beautiful sight. Slowly but surely I am learning to embrace the chaos, the seeming insanity that endlessly drones on around me in this wonderful and vibrant nation. What once was overwhelming is now a challenge to be overcome, and the moments of panic are being replaced by the belief that each experience will be resolved one step at a time. By letting go of the constant need for control I am slowly learning the cornerstone of resilience and perseverance: the art of demonstrating grace under pressure!